3 Generations

Trailer.

Available Summary:

As a teen manages his mom and grandma's perceptions of his transition, his distant father unexpectedly becomes a required part of the process.

-Netflix.

Jack's Summary:

This film opens with a sixteen-year-old trans boy named Ray saying, "Every year I blow out my candles, and I make the same wish... I wish I was a boy."

Ray is then shown attending a doctor's appointment to discuss beginning testosterone. While he is well into puberty and is an older teenager, he is not yet legally an adult, so Maggie (his mother) is accompanying him. This, of course, makes sense. Parental consent is required for him to begin any kind of medical transition, and it's important that he is supported by his parent in making such a significant decision.

What makes less sense is that Dolly (Ray's unsupportive grandmother) is also in attendance, dramatically lowering her face into her hand when the doctor mentions that top surgery would be needed in the future if Ray wishes to have a flat chest. If you want to watch this film, you will need to make peace with the fact that this cruel woman inserts herself into Ray's transition with shamelessly transphobic views, and Maggie lets this happen. More to the point, Ray lets this happen.

After the appointment, Dolly fretfully asks, "What about trying something alternative?" Maggie, clearly prepared for her mother to say something that ridiculous, replies, "What, like acupuncture? We'll see you at home, mom." She strides away, Ray in tow, leaving viewers to wonder why Dolly was even invited if she was going to be so predictably ridiculous about her trans grandson approaching such a significant milestone in the treatment of his gender dysphoria.

That night, during dinner, Dolly manages to refer to Ray correctly for a while, but after a few drinks she abandons any consideration for Ray's dysphoria or discomfort, calling him a lesbian and describing his upcoming transition as a mutilation. Maggie eventually shows some resolve, insisting that Ray is just trying to be authentic to who he really is, shutting down the debate for a short while.

In a long, lingering scene, the camera pans up and down Ray's body as he undoes his flannel shirt, takes off his t-shirt, and unwinds elastic bandages from his body. The bandages are perfectly, tidily wrapped around his slender body, offering a classic example of bandage binding; a practice which, in reality, is very unsafe and is rampant across depictions of trans men in the media.

The pain and increased risks associated with bandage binding are not addressed in this film. It is portrayed wholly unrealistically, without vulnerable or impressionable viewers in mind. Later, Ray moves on to using a chest binder, but this choice is not presented as being motivated by health concerns; one might think he's simply made the switch out of convenience or mere preference. There is a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment where he says, "No more ACE bandages," which is not nearly sufficient to explain why someone shouldn't bind the way he does earlier in the movie.

Returning to our plot...

Maggie is reluctant to sign the parental consent forms which will allow Ray to hormonally transition. That night, when Ray asks her whether she has signed the forms, she dodges the question. It is clear that she is dealing with her own anxieties and doubts about Ray’s transition, but there is the added issue of Ray’s legal father, Craig. He has not seen Ray since he was a baby, and has no idea that Ray intends to transition. Maggie’s attempts to get his contact information are frustrated by bureaucratic hurdles, her own impatience, and (at one point) Ray being a precocious brat who keeps interrupting his mother’s phone call. He is a sixteen-year-old kid, after all, so I suppose it makes sense that he’s incredibly annoying at times. We’ve all been there.

The film takes a moment to acknowledge the struggle of a trans kid who is not comfortable using the male or female toilets at his school, showing Ray sneaking away to use the single-stall toilet at a nearby restaurant. It’s a quick scene, but I appreciated it. I’ve known several trans men, transmasculine people, and AFAB non-binary people who have been physically assaulted by women for using the women’s toilets, sexually assaulted when using the men’s toilets, or had the police called on them for using either one. Single-stall toilets can be very, very important for early-transition people and those who are visibly gender non-conforming.

Maggie, stressed by her son’s transition and by a looming professional deadline, sleeps with a cis man named Jake to blow off some steam. When she wakes up the following morning, she asks him, “What’s it like having a penis?” Jake is baffled by this question, and even more so by the ones which follow; “You don’t wish it was more organised? Or… contained? I don’t mean, do you wish you had a vagina, I just mean… the penis itself, do you wish it was more… neat? Or… in there?”

The first time I watched this film, I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, and imagine that the mere concept of a surgical transition had made her curious about genital changes, and what that might feel like. I assumed that, surely, she wasn’t thinking about her own child’s genitals after having sex with someone. Unfortunately, I was a bit too generous in that assumption, because in a deleted scene Maggie is shown to be closely considering Ray’s genitalia and how he uses it.

“Do you think they have sex?” She directs this question at Frances, Dolly’s partner, and then elaborates, “I mean, at least some of the kids in Ray’s class are definitely having sex, but do you think he has sex? And as which gender?” She later adds, “As a boy or a girl?” Frances, a lesbian who should be well-equipped to interrogate the notion of having sex “as a girl” or having sex “as a boy”, these being the kinds of regressive sexual ideas which dominate homophobic discourse, hardly even reacts to these incredibly creepy questions.

To me, this is just as inappropriate and regressive as a mother wondering whether her lesbian daughter has sex “as a boy” or “as a girl.” Those roles imply dominance and submission, giving and receiving, and are bloody weird things to be pondering about your child. Beyond that, Ray is a boy no matter how he has sex, if he has sex at all. I can see why this scene was deleted.

Back to the movie itself, Ray is shown doing sit-ups, lifting dumbbells, and filming video diaries while wearing his chest binder. Binding while exerting yourself affects breathing and may cause pain, so you should proceed with caution before following the example set by this movie.

We are introduced to Lola, who Ray is watching from afar at a skatepark. She is his classmate and Ray, who appears to be a heterosexual trans man, is pining for her. This scene exposes another aspect of Ray’s immaturity; as his male friends joke about whether Lola is a virgin and other equally mature topics, Ray laughs along, observing without issue if not participating himself. Like many young men, and many young people in general, Ray clearly sees no issue with crass, sexual, and objectifying gossip about other people. His amused mood turns dour only when one of the boys claims that Lola “only likes big dicks”. Judging by a comment made later in the film, Ray wishes to have bottom surgery and feels incomplete without it.

At home, he edits footage of him and Lola walking together, accompanied by a musical beat which he sings alongside. It sounds very rough, which is entirely consistent with any music that I produced as a teenager. His mother walks in and asks him how his day was, to which he replies, “That kinda depends on whether or not you signed the papers.” Maggie avoids the issue once again, making it glaringly apparent that she does not want to sign the parental consent forms, referring to Ray’s transition as “this shit” and lamenting that she is the only parent to deal with it. (We find out, eventually, that this is largely her fault. More on that later.) Naturally, the trans teenager who is desperate to transition and sick of being dysphoric, storms out in anger.

Maggie and Dolly look through Ray’s childhood photographs together after Ray leaves. Dolly laments, “To think that I spent my whole life working so that women could have control over their bodies, and now I have to call my granddaughter ‘he’.”

The irony of Dolly’s statement is that she’s close to appreciating what Ray is doing, but is being led by her hatred of Ray's gender. What she has fought for is the right of those who were born female to have control over our bodies, and to make decisions about our bodies. That is precisely what her grandson is doing, but she wants him to make decisions which she approves of. She explains Ray's transition by saying, "she defected," detracting from his personal agency and instead prioritising men-versus-women politics. The hypocrisy of Dolly's condescending view is that she believes in autonomy, but only when it complies with her political values. She’s a very frustrating character in that respect, and an accurate manifestation of many real-world mindsets. As Ray puts it, “For a lesbian, you’re pretty judgemental”.

While Maggie and Dolly are taking a stroll down memory lane, Ray is wandering the city and skateboarding to settle down after the argument with his mother. A group of teenagers approach him on the street. Verbal assault turns into physical assault and sexual harassment, with one guy demanding to see Ray’s genitalia. After being grabbed, pushed around, and punched in the face, Ray returns home.

The scene which ensues is intended to be comedic, with his mother and grandmothers fluttering around him in a panic, unsure what to do about his black eye. I don’t find it particularly funny. He’s just been physically attacked, which is pretty stressful, and even then his family members can’t be bothered to put in the effort to refer to him correctly. In a moment when he is clearly uncomfortable and potentially distressed, he really doesn’t need the added discomfort of dysphoria. The needling “her”, “gal”, “she”, and “granddaughter” comments really get old.

Later in the night, Ray shows his mother footage of the trans-bashing, which he filmed on his phone. He is asked whether he is a boy or a girl, told to show his dick, and called a faggot. You’d think that seeing her trans son abused would ensure Maggie would assertively silence any future misgendering or deadnaming, but no, the drama inevitably continues.

Maggie reunites with Craig, Ray’s legal father, and informs him that Ray is transitioning and has identified as a boy from a young age. She reveals that the pair of them have been through years of therapy together, that she has consulted doctors and other medical professionals, with the firm conclusion being that Ray is trans. Craig is reluctant to sign the parental consent forms, saying, “She may not be able to get pregnant. What if she changes her mind?” Maggie replies, “What if he commits suicide?”

Now, as a trans bloke myself, I think Craig’s reluctance is understandable, his questions are fair, and his request to see at least see a pamphlet of information seems like the bare minimum… But this discussion was never going to be productive in the slightest, because it quickly deviates away from Ray’s transition and toward the pair’s failed relationship. In truth, Craig is not Ray’s biological father, because Maggie cheated on him with Matthew, Craig’s own brother. That’s why Craig has been completely absent from Ray’s life, and that’s one of the reasons Craig is so reluctant to just sign whatever Maggie tells him to sign. The pair argue and Maggie leaves without getting his signature.

A few scenes later, Maggie tells Ray that his father has refused to sign the parental consent forms. Sensing, correctly, that he’ll be waiting forever if he doesn’t do something himself, Ray takes matters into his own hands. He buzzes his hair shorter, finds Craig’s address in his mother’s notebook, gets on a train, and goes to see his “father” for the first time in over a decade. Craig is stunned to see Ray, but lets him inside.

Ray shows him the parental consent forms and asks him to sign. Craig, clearly uninformed about gender incongruence/dysphoria being innate qualities, remarks, “I’m sorry if you’re this way because of me,” referring to the lack of a father in Ray’s life. Then, with seemingly genuine curiosity, he asks, “Are you this way because of me?” Ray coldly replies, “I’m a lotta things because of you. This isn’t one of them.” Given the misinformation about trans identities being “caused” by parents, or lack thereof, I appreciated that pushback.

During an awkward dinner with his father, stepmother, stepbrother, and stepsister, Ray has to explain his gender to his young siblings. He does this by saying, “I was born in a girl’s body.” His sister asks, “But you’re a boy?” After Ray nods in confirmation, the girl asks, “Can they fix it?” Ray, pointedly looking at his father, says, “Mostly.” The girl, unaware of the tension, muses, “I’m a girl in a girl’s body… I think.” Ray laughs and, addressing both children, says, “That’s good. You’re lucky. You’re both lucky.”

I’m not particularly bothered by Ray’s phrasing. He was simplifying things to a child who may not have grasped an explanation like, “my gender doesn’t correspond to the one I was assigned at birth.” Some of us do feel that we were born in the wrong bodies, and did look at our pre-transition bodies as being a girl’s body. Naturally, I can understand why others are uncomfortable with that phrasing, so it should certainly only be used if someone self-identifies that way… and Ray clearly does.

Meanwhile, Maggie is driving to Craig’s house with her mothers in tow, but I’ll skip the unnecessary drama and misgendering that entails.

When Maggie arrives at Craig’s house, she is confronted by Ray’s short hair. Crying, Maggie whispers, “She promised she’d never do that.” I found this pretty eye-roll-worthy, if only because Maggie makes this misgendering comment in front of Craig, who is hardly convinced of Ray’s male gender as it is. And, to be frank, I don’t understand the difference between Ray’s above-shoulder-length hair at the start of the movie, and his buzzed hair towards the end of the movie. He practically had a bloke’s haircut to begin with, just another style. It’s not like he had incredibly long hair which carried some religious or cultural significance that was lost when he buzzed it off.

I also take issue with a parent, who supposedly supports her trans son, making him promise to never cut his hair. Ask for time and understanding, and let him know that cutting his hair may impact you, but don’t make him promise to never modify his appearance in a way which may affirm him. His body, his choice.

Ray states that he will not leave his father’s house until the parental consent forms are signed. This almost happens, but of course, drama must occur. Maggie’s infidelity is revealed to Ray, and he learns that his uncle Matthew is not an uncle at all, but rather, his biological father. Ray has a meltdown, and his (unfortunately overacted) screaming sobs finally make the pair shut up, which is a bloody relief.

The drama goes on for a bit, mainly consisting of Ray being justifiably pissed at his mother for lying to him all his life, and for letting him hate Craig for abandoning the family when that’s not what happened at all. Most of all, though, he is furious that his transition now seems impossible until he is an adult, because his legal guardians can't get their shit together.

Finally, in the face of her family basically falling apart in front of her, Dolly gets over her bullshit and becomes supportive of Ray. I’m still mad that, every single time I watch the scene where she first refers to Ray as her grandson, I always tear up. This movie has so many damn flaws, and she’s such a blasted bigot, but fuck if that moment doesn't hit me hard.

She later approaches Ray directly:

DOLLY: I thought you were too young to know what you wanted, but you do know, and… I was just afraid, and now I realise that, well, who you are and who I love is staying the same, and everything that’s changing is just details.

RAY: What are you saying?

DOLLY: I’m saying that it’s about time that we had a man in this family.

This seemingly signals a turning point in Ray's story, with a happy ending visible down the road. The most combative, transphobic, hostile person in his life has accepted him, making everything else seem possible too. Craig and Matthew both approach Maggie, wanting to support and know Ray, though neither were able to raise him.

To show his sincerity and genuine desire to be a part of the family, Craig signs the parental consent forms. In a quiet moment, acted with far more realism and subtlety than Ray's screaming meltdown, Ray's chin wobbles as he holds back tears of happiness.

Ray gets his happy ending. He is prescribed testosterone and, wearing a suit, has dinner with his whole, messy family, including his two sorta-dads.

TL;DR...

I have a soft spot for this film, but after my most recent rewatch I'll happily admit that it's not great. There is so much self-indulgent transphobia, courtesy of Dolly, to the point that trans audiences were seemingly an afterthought. If you're dealing with a Dolly at home, in your own life, you're hardly going to enjoy watching her bully Ray throughout the majority of this movie. That said, if you make it to the end, you may get emotional when you see him finally being accepted by her, and his other family members.

Elle Fanning, from the interviews I've watched, had good intentions when she approached this role. She describes connecting with trans boys, learning about all of their different experiences, and trying her hardest to provide a respectful portrayal of a trans guy. This movie, and the role of Ray, mattered to her.

Regardless of Fanning's efforts, though, this is undoubtedly an example of an actress being considered capable of playing a trans man simply because she is slender, young, and light-skinned... An approach to casting too often employed across film and television, including Degrassi, Dead of Summer, Unsound, Von Trapped, BOY and so on.

Referring to the casting of Ray in this interview, the director Gabby Dellal says, "I could not have chosen a more blonde, more feminine actress... The part is a girl and she is a girl who is presenting in a very ineffectual way as a boy. She’s not pretending to have a deeper voice. She’s just a girl who is being herself and is chasing the opportunity to start hormone treatment. So to actually use a trans boy was not an option because this isn’t what my story is about." These comments, to put it plainly, are fucking bizarre. Not only does Dellal's perspective on Ray completely miss the entire bloody point of the movie, they're also in direct conflict with Fanning's own understanding of the trans boy that she played. Fanning was only sixteen or seventeen when she was cast as Ray, yet she managed to grasp who he was more than the film's actual director.